Revision Samples
Revision Samples

Revision Samples

From an e-mail:

I am openning my messages only today. I was very worried about my test that I did not have time to see my messages. Thank you very much for your kind words. Unfortenetely, I am sure I did not make a good test, but I am not going to quit.

Revision

I am only now checking my messages. I was so worried about my test that I did not have time to look at them earlier. Thank you very much for your kind words. Unfortunately, I am sure I did not do well on the test, but I am not going to quit.

From a note:

There is an announcement on today’s newspaper about the movie being back to Phipps Plaza (daily shows at 8:30).

Revision

There is an announcement in today’s newspaper about the movie’s being back at Phipps Plaza (daily shows at 8:30).

From a business sales letter:

ABC is proud to introduce Technical support over the telephone guaranteed solution or you don’t pay. Many of our client has found this service very rewarding to their environment especially when a user need to do a certain function and could not do it. We can help.

Revision

ABC is proud to introduce guaranteed telephone technical support: If we do not solve your problem, there is no charge to you.

Many of our clients have found this support very beneficial. Whenever a problem arises, we can help.

From an application:

“Describe the most important goal or objective that you have achieved to date.”

To do a successful consulting project to an import-export food company. We were competing five candidates to work in the same project and only one would be approved. The company grew a lot in the past five years. It currently staffs more than 200 employees. The director who managed the company couldn’t handle the shift of turning a small company into a big one. Market shifts were in this time moving very fast. He needed a global consulting in order to reorganize the whole organization and maintain the competitive advantage that made the company successful.

Revision

To do a successful consulting project for an import-export food company. I was one of five candidates competing to work on the same project; only one candidate would be approved. The company had grown a lot in the five years prior to the project. At that time, it staffed more than 200 employees. The director who managed the company could not handle the process of turning a small company into a large one. Market shifts were, at that time, moving very fast. The director needed global consulting in order to reorganize the entire company and to maintain the competitive advantage that had made the company successful.

From a research proposal:

During chlorination for drinking water treatment plants, aquatic dissolved organic matter (DOM) plays an important role in the formation of disinfection by products, causing health effects due to carcinogenic properties. Currently, the potential application for membrane technology has been examined for water treatment processes because of increasingly stringent regulations.

Revision

During chlorination in water treatment plants, aquatic dissolved organic matter (DOM) plays a important role in the formation of disinfection by-products, which cause health effects due to their carcinogenic properties. Currently, the potential application of membrane technology to water treatment processes has been examined because of increasingly stringent regulations.

From a product instruction booklet

Check regularly the powersupply cord. If same or the apparatus would present some damage, return the appliance to your dealer and service center for examination and repair.

Revision

Check the power cord regularly. If either the cord or the device is damaged, take it to your dealer or service center for repair.

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